90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Why do divorced men get married again?
Bad memory.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

My ex was a heart surgeon. She ripped my heart out.

Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? - She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix, she causes a lot of pain and suffering, but after she's removed you find you didn't need her anyway!

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

Why is divorce so expensive? Answer: Because it's worth it.

Marriage is a three-ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

My husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Leo and he's a donkey's rear end."

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.

In Hollywood they get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

The hardest thing in Hollywood is to keep the marriage a secret until the divorce leaks out.

I was invited to a Hollywood wedding. Traffic was heavy, so I got there late -- just in time for the divorce.

One Hollywood kid has good reason to be proud: at the last PTA meeting, he won the prize for having the most parents there.

One actress is very sentimental: she always gets divorced in the dress her mother was married in.

Morris calls his son in New York and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to talk about it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing your mama."

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"

Mrs. Trenton appeared before the judge in a divorce action.

"How old are you?" asked the judge.

"Thirty-five," said Mrs. Trenton.

The judge noticed her greying hair and wrinkled cheeks and said "may I see your birth certificate?"

She handed the judge her birth certificate.

"Madam," he said severely, "according to this certificate you are not 35 but 50."

"Your honor," replied Mrs. Trenton, "I'm not counting the last 15 years I spent with my husband. You call that a life?"