After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client.
“Mrs. Jokes, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.”
“Fair to both?!” exploded Mrs. Jones. “I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?”

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Beth, who had who had requested support payments. He said told the now ex husband, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Well, that's fine, Judge," said the ex husband. "And ounce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95"? Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

You know it's a bad day when your blind date is your ex-wife.

Why do divorced men get married again?
Bad memory.

If you saw your ex-wife and her lawyer drowning in a swimming pool, would you...go to lunch or the movies?

"I'm a big opponent of divorce. Why leave the nut you got for one you don't know?" Loretta Lynn

She married him because he was such a "strong man"
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because he is always "the life of the party."

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Why do divorced men get married again?
Bad memory.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

My ex was a heart surgeon. She ripped my heart out.

Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? - She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix, she causes a lot of pain and suffering, but after she's removed you find you didn't need her anyway!