In Hollywood they get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

The hardest thing in Hollywood is to keep the marriage a secret until the divorce leaks out.

I was invited to a Hollywood wedding. Traffic was heavy, so I got there late -- just in time for the divorce.

One Hollywood kid has good reason to be proud: at the last PTA meeting, he won the prize for having the most parents there.

One actress is very sentimental: she always gets divorced in the dress her mother was married in.

Morris calls his son in New York and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to talk about it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing your mama."

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"

Mrs. Trenton appeared before the judge in a divorce action.

"How old are you?" asked the judge.

"Thirty-five," said Mrs. Trenton.

The judge noticed her greying hair and wrinkled cheeks and said "may I see your birth certificate?"

She handed the judge her birth certificate.

"Madam," he said severely, "according to this certificate you are not 35 but 50."

"Your honor," replied Mrs. Trenton, "I'm not counting the last 15 years I spent with my husband. You call that a life?"

After 25 years of marriage, a husband said he wanted a divorce. His wife was stunned. "But Sam," she pleaded, "how could you want to divorce me after all we've been through together? Remember how just after we met, you caught malaria and nearly died, but I looked after you. Then when your family was wiped out in a hurricane, I was there for you. then when you were falsely accursed of armed robbery, I stood by you. Then when you lost $50,000 on the horses, I sympathized. And when that fire destroyed your office, I comforted you. How could you leave me? We've been through so much."

"That's the problem, Linda. Face it, you're just bad luck."

A woman went to an attorney to ask about a divorce.

"What grounds do you have, ma'm?"

"About six acres."

"No, I don't think you quite understand. Let me rephrase the question. do you have a grudge?"

"No, just a parking space."

"I'll try again. does your husband beat you?"

"No, I always get up at least an hour before he does."

The attorney could see he was fighting a losing battle. "Madam, are you sure you want a divorce?"

"I'm not the one who wants a divorce," she said. "My husband does. He claims we don't communicate."