After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.

Dear Wife:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

Response

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with Carla, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that she had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

A recently divorced cowboy, who was wearing new, ill-fitting boots that he'd bought on sale, met an old friend at a singles party. While they were sitting down, sampling the pot luck, the friend heard the story of the breakup and asked, "Why did you divorce her? Mary was pretty and we all knew she was a good cook and housekeeper. Did she step out on you?"

"No, I can't give you a reason," he said to his pal, as he removed his boots and gave a sigh of relief. "Maybe she was like these boots: fine-looking, loyal, and a good worker, but to look at them you couldn't tell how much they hurt me."

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client.
“Mrs. Jokes, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.”
“Fair to both?!” exploded Mrs. Jones. “I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?”

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Beth, who had who had requested support payments. He said told the now ex husband, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Well, that's fine, Judge," said the ex husband. "And ounce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."