A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

A recently divorced cowboy, who was wearing new, ill-fitting boots that he'd bought on sale, met an old friend at a singles party. While they were sitting down, sampling the pot luck, the friend heard the story of the breakup and asked, "Why did you divorce her? Mary was pretty and we all knew she was a good cook and housekeeper. Did she step out on you?"

"No, I can't give you a reason," he said to his pal, as he removed his boots and gave a sigh of relief. "Maybe she was like these boots: fine-looking, loyal, and a good worker, but to look at them you couldn't tell how much they hurt me."

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95"? Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Why do divorced men get married again?
Bad memory.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

My ex was a heart surgeon. She ripped my heart out.

Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? - She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix, she causes a lot of pain and suffering, but after she's removed you find you didn't need her anyway!

A woman went to an attorney to ask about a divorce.

"What grounds do you have, ma'm?"

"About six acres."

"No, I don't think you quite understand. Let me rephrase the question. do you have a grudge?"

"No, just a parking space."

"I'll try again. does your husband beat you?"

"No, I always get up at least an hour before he does."

The attorney could see he was fighting a losing battle. "Madam, are you sure you want a divorce?"

"I'm not the one who wants a divorce," she said. "My husband does. He claims we don't communicate."