"Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner." Jay Leno

"My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money." - Wendy Liebman

"A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short. - Mickey Rooney

"Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce. Roseanne Barr

"Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5000 Gideon Bibles." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity." - Lauren Bacall

"My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years." - Lee Trevino

"Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce." - P. J. O'Rourke

"A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table." - Jean Kerr

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

If you enjoyed these quotes check out Funny Divorce Quotes

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

For related humor visit Marriage Jokes | Relationship Jokes from Funny Jokes | Short Relationship Jokes from Short Funny Jokes | Funny Divorce Quotes | Funny Marriage Quotes

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore so I'd have to give it up.

A day later I caught her spending $100.00 on make-up. So I asked her, how come I had to give up stuff but she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

For related humor visit Marriage Jokes | Relationship Jokes from Funny Jokes | Short Relationship Jokes from Short Funny Jokes | Funny Divorce Quotes | Funny Marriage Quotes

1. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

2. You know it's a bad day when your blind date is your ex-wife.

3. When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

5. My soon-to-be ex-husband brought his girlfriend to divorce court this week. I guess they figured she might as well know what to expect.

6. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

7. We were very happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for ten years!

8. "I've never been married, but I tell people that I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." -- Elayne Boosler

9. You know it's a bad day when your blind date is your ex-wife.

10. Q: Why do divorced men get married again?
A: Bad memory.

For related humor visit Marriage Jokes | Relationship Jokes from Funny Jokes | Short Relationship Jokes from Short Funny Jokes | Funny Divorce Quotes | Funny Marriage Quotes