2008-09-05T19:21:09Z The Joke Index dj@thejokeindex.com Copyright 2008, The Joke Index dj@thejokeindex.com SPHPBLOG
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080717-164324 2008-07-17T00:00:00Z 2008-07-17T00:00:00Z
"No, I can't give you a reason," he said to his pal, as he removed his boots and gave a sigh of relief. "Maybe she was like these boots: fine-looking, loyal, and a good worker, but to look at them you couldn't tell how much they hurt me."]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080625-132028 2008-06-25T00:00:00Z 2008-06-25T00:00:00Z “Mrs. Jokes, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.”
“Fair to both?!” exploded Mrs. Jones. “I could have done that myself. What do you think I hired a lawyer for?”

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Beth, who had who had requested support payments. He said told the now ex husband, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Well, that's fine, Judge," said the ex husband. "And ounce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself." ]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080529-232311 2008-05-30T00:00:00Z 2008-05-30T00:00:00Z
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95"? Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080521-200747 2008-05-22T00:00:00Z 2008-05-22T00:00:00Z Shoot him again.

You know it's a bad day when your blind date is your ex-wife.

Why do divorced men get married again?
Bad memory.

If you saw your ex-wife and her lawyer drowning in a swimming pool, would you...go to lunch or the movies?

"I'm a big opponent of divorce. Why leave the nut you got for one you don't know?" Loretta Lynn]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080513-230527 2008-05-14T00:00:00Z 2008-05-14T00:00:00Z She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because he is always "the life of the party."]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080509-210312 2008-05-10T00:00:00Z 2008-05-10T00:00:00Z 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Why do divorced men get married again?
Bad memory.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

My ex was a heart surgeon. She ripped my heart out.

Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? - She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix, she causes a lot of pain and suffering, but after she's removed you find you didn't need her anyway!]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080503-202522 2008-05-04T00:00:00Z 2008-05-04T00:00:00Z
Why is divorce so expensive? Answer: Because it's worth it.

Marriage is a three-ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

My husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Leo and he's a donkey's rear end."

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080430-203423 2008-05-01T00:00:00Z 2008-05-01T00:00:00Z
The hardest thing in Hollywood is to keep the marriage a secret until the divorce leaks out.

I was invited to a Hollywood wedding. Traffic was heavy, so I got there late -- just in time for the divorce.

One Hollywood kid has good reason to be proud: at the last PTA meeting, he won the prize for having the most parents there.

One actress is very sentimental: she always gets divorced in the dress her mother was married in.
]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080426-204438 2008-04-27T00:00:00Z 2008-04-27T00:00:00Z
The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080423-235939 2008-04-24T00:00:00Z 2008-04-24T00:00:00Z
"How old are you?" asked the judge.

"Thirty-five," said Mrs. Trenton.

The judge noticed her greying hair and wrinkled cheeks and said "may I see your birth certificate?"

She handed the judge her birth certificate.

"Madam," he said severely, "according to this certificate you are not 35 but 50."

"Your honor," replied Mrs. Trenton, "I'm not counting the last 15 years I spent with my husband. You call that a life?" ]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080420-215009 2008-04-21T00:00:00Z 2008-04-21T00:00:00Z
"That's the problem, Linda. Face it, you're just bad luck."
]]> http://divorcejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080419-185534 2008-04-19T00:00:00Z 2008-04-19T00:00:00Z